The Resident (2011) Director: Antti Jokinen

Oh Hammer, we expected such good things from your resurrection - and we get Jeffrey Dean Morgan masturbating in Hilary Swank's bath. WHILST SHE IS OUT OF THE APARTMENT AND THERE IS NO WATER IN IT. The Resident, Hammer's first movie for over 30 years, is a turkey through and through; it's the crazy ol' stalker landlord story, but with no horror, no scares and stinking big plot holes all the way through.

Swank is Juliet Devereau, an A&E Doctor who is searching for an affordable apartment in New York after breaking up with her boyfriend. She views an apartment, owned by landlord Max (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), which is too good to be true - spacious, with low-rent. IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. As Max has peepy-holes into her bathroom, and quites like to do rude things in her bath when she's at work. Did I mention that before? I think I did. IT'S BIZARRE.

Hilary Swank does well enough with what she's given, and she does look hot in a t-shirt and knicky-knacks, but this is terrific miscasting of J.D Morgan. Apart from zero chemistry between the two leads - Swank is dead behind the eyes at him - he's just too damn 'nice' and good-looking to play Max. This is confusing as he was an amazing psycho as The Comedian in Watchmen, but here he's so wishy-washy and 'misunderstood', we don't fear him, we feel pity for him. The film strongly suggests psychosis runs in the family - with Max's Dad also fond of killing women, there's just not enough back story or enough exploration of Max's character to truly understand why he is what he is. It's all very one dimensional. I AM KILLER. YOU ARE PRETTY LADY, I WANT TO DRUG YOU, THEN RAPE YOU, THEN KILL YOU AS YOU WON'T HAVE SEX WITH ME. BYE.

The big 'finale' when it comes is lacklustre, and ends very oddly. It's almost like they ran out of money, or the leads got bored and said 'end it now'. Hammer, please try harder.
1/5 bathroom Flash wipes