Terminator Salvation (2009) Director: McG

In 1984's The Terminator, we get a terrifying glimpse into the future and the War of the Machines - A.I network Skynet has unleashed a nuclear holocaust ('Judgement Day') on mankind and 'terminators' are exterminating the surviving humans, known as the Resistance. Terminator fans could only dream of a full movie about the War of the Machines...that was until 2009, when we got what we thought was going to be THE BOLLOCKS. 2 hours of skull-crushing? Sadly not. What we get is a wimpy, feeble story with a few big bangs. And only one skull crushed. As I bloody counted. What a let down.

This film is wrong on so many levels. This is why:

1) The War of the Machines is supposed to be conducted in the rain and in the dark. There is too much fannying around in the light in Terminator Salvation. We want to be scared. We want relentless shooting in the dark/rain and robot tank things DRIVING OVER SKULLS. Not some tinkering with motors in the light and catching derr terminators with rope traps.
2) Christian Bale. A fundamental casting error. He is no John Connor. The man is going through the motions. You can see the pay cheque in his eyes. John Connor is someone like...well, actually Sam Worthington would have been better cast as John Connor I think.
3) Sam Worthington. He's alright in it but he's cast as the Arnie figure and there is some really cheesy bromance towards the end and a stupid bit where John restarts his heart. Which wouldn't happen. Like a War of the Machines would happen. IT COULD. But this bit was silly.
4) The homage to past Terminator films. Again, they're just going through the motions and putting some references in so we think Terminator Salvation is alright and not the utter disaster that it actually is. Ho ho, Christian Bale says 'I'll Be Back'. Even funnier, he sticks on 'You Could Be Mine' by Guns n Roses to trap a silly bike terminator.
5) The ending. It's tosh. Pure and simple. Unfortunately it promises that there could be more.
6) The screenplay. I could have written a better War of the Machines. I would have had bleak, dark shit I tell you - gore and limbs flying off and SKULL CRUSHING. When you have this opportunity, why go for the safe option? It could have been full on carnage.
7) A director called McG; what kind of idiot is called McG? Stuck up, pretentious twat.

2/5

(I have given it two as there are some cool new terminators with bad ass red eyes and for Christian Bale's infamous on-set rant. But that's it.)